To the rescue of the World, here are the latest grains of wisdom, or at least opinion, from The Armchair General.

Troops, there are quite a few disturbing events happening across the globe at the moment and I believe that, given the opportunity, I could solve them all from the comfort of my armchair. Now I’m certainly not suggesting I could solve them to everyone else’s satisfaction, I’m talking complete dictatorship here folks, but I am thoroughly convinced that I would glean a tremendous amount of enjoyment from enacting the following …


Zimbabwe

I would appoint Robert Mugabe as president of the World Bank. His ill-conceived and downright ludicrous financial policies would completely devastate that communistic wealth redistribution institution. The World Bank has the stated goal of “reduction of global poverty”. This is achieved by taking money from where it naturally grows in the fertile fields of industrialized nations and transplanting it into the barren dirt of nations that are stuck in the Mud Age, where all that lovely capital dries up and withers before our eyes. It would take a World Bank President of inconceivable fiscal incompetence to destroy that institution quickly enough for my satisfaction, and I believe that the unfathomable stupidity of President-For-Now Robert Mugabe may not only be up to the task but perhaps could exceed my wildest expectations. So moved.

Iran

They have oil, so we can’t nuke them, as tempting as that might be. However their armed forces wouldn’t even be capable of withstanding an organized attack from the NRA so I would drop leaflets over the state of Georgia informing them that Iranians are Florida Gator fans and that they are doing something rather disturbing to a Bulldog. After the smoke clears and Iran is firmly part of The New South I would have President Marmaduke Ivebeenreallybad placed on a new sitcom where his lines are voiced over by the South Park team to come out purely as “Durka durka”.

Palestinian Territories

As soon as I can find a magnifying glass powerful enough to locate their whimsical little wannabe country on a globe I’ll order a nuclear strike on them. After developing a nuclear weapon small enough that it won’t be bothersome to neighboring nations. Nothing in the range of megatons or even kilotons, perhaps a one-megapound strike should be enough to defeat those idolatrous infidels, may the fleas of a thousand mangy camels infest their sweaty armpits. They don’t want a country anyway, they certainly haven’t done anything to show that they’re capable of governing themselves, so after the mushroom cloud dissipates put that land on the auction block and sell it to the highest bidder, assuming they’re not Arabs.

Venezuela

I’d stop giving Hugo Chavez any media attention whatsoever. I mean, seriously. He’s about as threatening as Barney Rubble. Whether he gets overthrown or creates a new Cuba his country isn’t important enough to interrupt a beer commercial over. I am curious about Venezuela’s parachute industry though. Hugo Chavez isn't exactly anorexic, so if he was able to parachute out of an aircraft without ending up as road-pancake then they’re producing some really fine nylon chutes in that nation.

The Soviet ... I mean Russia

At least they hate many of the same people we do now, and that ain’t too bad. Now they’re not commies anymore we might be able to make some progress with them. I wouldn’t shut down NORAD just yet though, and I’ll still keep those missiles primed and ready to go, just in case. As a peace gesture we should export them some orange juice so they don't have to drink their Vodka straight anymore, or at least they won't have to taste it as much. Bleah. The FSB is the KGB, they simply changed the sign on the door, it's business as usual. Russians are to be avoided in restaurants if you didn't bring a Geiger counter.

Japan

I would force the Japanese to allow tourism on their whaling ships. I know they’re trying to pretend that their whaling industry is for scientific research (namely researching how many whales can be harpooned before dinnertime) but that sure looks like fun, and I’d damned well make them let me have a shot or two. Now that’s fishing!

Britain

Mostly harmless, at the moment. Becoming a Muslim caliphate though. Has reduced it’s navy to the point of three men in a bathtub but they can be quite deadly with a well aimed bar of soap. If you can keep them off the warm beer long enough they might start to notice that headscarves and hijabs aren’t traditional British clothing styles. All their guns have been confiscated already so whatever happens to them will probably just involve beer bottles being thrown at each other, perhaps that could be made into a sporting event on ESPN.

That's it for now troops, stay tuned for more from ...

The Armchair General,
General Max Xenophobe, (fict.)

a.k.a. Jonathan RF Cooke,
October 9th, 2007

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