To the rescue of the World, here are the latest grains of wisdom, or at least opinion, from The Armchair General.

Troops, there are quite a few disturbing events happening across the globe at the moment and I believe that, given the opportunity, I could solve them all from the comfort of my armchair. Now I’m certainly not suggesting I could solve them to everyone else’s satisfaction, I’m talking complete dictatorship here folks, but I am thoroughly convinced that I would glean a tremendous amount of enjoyment from enacting the following …


Zimbabwe

I would appoint Robert Mugabe as president of the World Bank. His ill-conceived and downright ludicrous financial policies would completely devastate that communistic wealth redistribution institution. The World Bank has the stated goal of “reduction of global poverty”. This is achieved by taking money from where it naturally grows in the fertile fields of industrialized nations and transplanting it into the barren dirt of nations that are stuck in the Mud Age, where all that lovely capital dries up and withers before our eyes. It would take a World Bank President of inconceivable fiscal incompetence to destroy that institution quickly enough for my satisfaction, and I believe that the unfathomable stupidity of President-For-Now Robert Mugabe may not only be up to the task but perhaps could exceed my wildest expectations. So moved.

Iran

They have oil, so we can’t nuke them, as tempting as that might be. However their armed forces wouldn’t even be capable of withstanding an organized attack from the NRA so I would drop leaflets over the state of Georgia informing them that Iranians are Florida Gator fans and that they are doing something rather disturbing to a Bulldog. After the smoke clears and Iran is firmly part of The New South I would have President Marmaduke Ivebeenreallybad placed on a new sitcom where his lines are voiced over by the South Park team to come out purely as “Durka durka”.

Palestinian Territories

As soon as I can find a magnifying glass powerful enough to locate their whimsical little wannabe country on a globe I’ll order a nuclear strike on them. After developing a nuclear weapon small enough that it won’t be bothersome to neighboring nations. Nothing in the range of megatons or even kilotons, perhaps a one-megapound strike should be enough to defeat those idolatrous infidels, may the fleas of a thousand mangy camels infest their sweaty armpits. They don’t want a country anyway, they certainly haven’t done anything to show that they’re capable of governing themselves, so after the mushroom cloud dissipates put that land on the auction block and sell it to the highest bidder, assuming they’re not Arabs.

Venezuela

I’d stop giving Hugo Chavez any media attention whatsoever. I mean, seriously. He’s about as threatening as Barney Rubble. Whether he gets overthrown or creates a new Cuba his country isn’t important enough to interrupt a beer commercial over. I am curious about Venezuela’s parachute industry though. Hugo Chavez isn't exactly anorexic, so if he was able to parachute out of an aircraft without ending up as road-pancake then they’re producing some really fine nylon chutes in that nation.

The Soviet ... I mean Russia

At least they hate many of the same people we do now, and that ain’t too bad. Now they’re not commies anymore we might be able to make some progress with them. I wouldn’t shut down NORAD just yet though, and I’ll still keep those missiles primed and ready to go, just in case. As a peace gesture we should export them some orange juice so they don't have to drink their Vodka straight anymore, or at least they won't have to taste it as much. Bleah. The FSB is the KGB, they simply changed the sign on the door, it's business as usual. Russians are to be avoided in restaurants if you didn't bring a Geiger counter.

Japan

I would force the Japanese to allow tourism on their whaling ships. I know they’re trying to pretend that their whaling industry is for scientific research (namely researching how many whales can be harpooned before dinnertime) but that sure looks like fun, and I’d damned well make them let me have a shot or two. Now that’s fishing!

Britain

Mostly harmless, at the moment. Becoming a Muslim caliphate though. Has reduced it’s navy to the point of three men in a bathtub but they can be quite deadly with a well aimed bar of soap. If you can keep them off the warm beer long enough they might start to notice that headscarves and hijabs aren’t traditional British clothing styles. All their guns have been confiscated already so whatever happens to them will probably just involve beer bottles being thrown at each other, perhaps that could be made into a sporting event on ESPN.

That's it for now troops, stay tuned for more from ...

The Armchair General,
General Max Xenophobe, (fict.)

a.k.a. Jonathan RF Cooke,
October 9th, 2007

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Hillary Clinton has shown her true colors once again. Of course she may claim it’s all “a vast right-wing conspiracy …” as she has claimed in the past when stories first surfaced about Bill Clinton having an affair with Monica Lewinsky [1], although it may be difficult to call this a right wing conspiracy since GQ magazine themselves have admitted to pulling the article under pressure. “I don’t really get into the inner workings of the magazine, but I can tell you that, yes, we did kill a Hillary piece.” said Jim Nelson, the Editor in Chief of GQ.
 
The article GQ pulled, despite protests from employees at the magazine, had apparently mentioned infighting within the ranks of her campaign for the presidency, as well as other topics not considered to shed her campaign in the best of lights. Upon learning of the upcoming article, the Clinton campaign went into full combat mode and told GQ magazine that if they published that article the magazine would lose all access to Bill, which coincidentally is the subject of an upcoming article GQ has scheduled for their December cover piece, ‘Man of the Year’.

The Clinton campaign has declined to comment, little surprise. Power leveraging negative articles out of the press before they are even published certainly suggests her campaign machine is running at full steam, however.

Josh Green (Senior Editor, The Atlantic Monthly), who has written about Camp Clinton in ways they didn’t approve of before, wrote the offending article that was quashed.[3].  The aides of Clinton approached the magazine and threatened to withdraw all cooperation with an article being written for the December issue by George Saunders who is much more favorable to the Clintons, Saunders even traveled with Bill Clinton to Africa in July. Rather than risk their Clinton-friendly December cover article they dropped the negative article by Josh Green straight into the can, exactly as they were requested to do by the Clinton campaign. Heil Klinton!

Where is Austin Powers? “That’s not a woman, that’s a man, baby!”

Jonathan RF Cooke
September 26, 2007

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References:
1. The Today Show, Jan 17th 1998, said during an interview with Matt Lauer.
2. The Times (London), Sept. 26th 2007, article “Hillary and Bill Clinton show muscle as cover boy Bill gets a negative story dumped”.
3. Daily Telegraph, Sept 26th 2007, article “Clintons persuade GQ to pull critical article”.

32-year-old annual charity event stopped as being disrespectful to a dead fish. Animal rights nut jobs rejoice.

In the English town of Lyme Regis, Dorset, for 32 years running (until 2006) they have held an event called Lifeboat Week. The event being run by the Royal Navy Lifeboat Institution (RNLI), which as it sounds like it does, saves human lives (to the tune of around 22 lives per day. [1]). As part of their fund raising efforts they would have a Conger Cuddling contest. The Conger is a fish, plentiful off the coast of England, quite tasty I hear. The idea of the contest, typical of British eccentricity, is that people stand on flowerpots and have to dodge a fish being swung at them on a rope. The team that has the most members still standing on their flowerpots at the end of the game, wins. [2].

The fish are donated by anglers who instead of eating them, chose to donate some of their catch to be frozen specifically for this charity event.

That was until an animal rights activist sent an anonymous email stating that this charity event was “disrespectful” to the fish, and furthermore, if the event was not cancelled this activist would unleash the hounds of hell in a campaign against the Lifeboat Institution to boycott its fundraising efforts. Proving once again that liberals hold animals as being more important that human life.

First, the email was anonymous. We’re not even talking about a “campaigner” who was even willing to identify themselves. Secondly, the fish was already dead. Would it have been any different to drive down to the local supermarket and pick out a fish from the display case? Thirdly, how the heck can you be disrespectful to a fish in the first place? Is it possible to offend a cheeseburger? Can you insult a strip of bacon? Once it’s dead, food is food! You can’t hurt the feelings of pork chop for goodness sake. Do I even need another point? Oh yes, this event was to raise money to save human lives, silly me for thinking that might be important.

So did the RNLI laugh as they hit the delete key? Not quite. As ludicrous as this self-professed activist demand was, the RNLI immediately put an end to the Conger Cuddling event. Why? Because of the culture of fear and intimidation that the leftist activists have permeated throughout England, as they have throughout Europe in general. The status quo have become so cow-towed that they are terrified of standing up to even so much as an anonymous email threat made over the internet concerning an already dead fish.

That's how much power they they have, how much fear they can wield. This is where we will end up, if we allow leftist activists in the United States enough ground that their tail starts wagging our dog.


Jonathan RF Cooke
September 11th, 2007

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References
1. www.rnli.org.uk website.
2. Daily Mail, 28th July 2006.

Doom and Gloom of Media Sensationalizing Distorts True Picture of America.

News media is a business, out to make a profit, make no mistake. Sensationalizing stories increases viewership, which in turn increases advertisers, leading to greater profits. To “sauce up” a story is in their best interests, to merely report the bland flavor of humdrum mundane news would be completely against their business model. It would in fact be idiotic. Furthermore, that business has become entertainment. Watch your nightly news and notice similarities with other forms of television entertainment. First, the news has a “Theme Song”. Why would objective, fact reporting journalism need theme music? As you continue to become absorbed by the movie, I mean news, you might take note of the high dollar special effects. Spinning three-dimensional logos, animated graphics, elaborate sets and backdrops. The only thing missing is a concession stand selling popcorn.

They are using Hollywood tactics also. Fear and suspense are standard movie ingredients. How often do you hear on the news the baited fishing line lures such as, “Learn how to protect your family from a new threat, details at 11 o’clock.” “There’s a new scam that you need to be aware of, coming up later in the program.”

If you don’t think your news is entertainment yet, ask yourself why morning news shows are starting to show more segments that are blatantly not related to anything whatsoever to do with news. Cooking segments, with chefs? Screaming throngs of fans waving their arms in the air as if they are at a concert, standing outside for a chance to see the rock stars, I mean newsreaders.

What are the recurrent themes of this entertainment machine? What sells best, of course. Murders, robberies, wars, child abuse, stock market crashes, home invasions, car jacking, financial scams, elderly abuse, dog fighting, missing white women, airline crashes, terrorism. Watching all this you would think the world is becoming a terrible place, a dangerous place in which to live where you are constantly at risk of your very life and limb. Despite the fact that the world is now safer to live in than it has ever been.

• The average lifespan in the United States has increased from 47 years in 1900 to an amazing 77 years at the turn of the century, that’s a whopping 64% increase. The media tells you of terrible surgical mistakes, and bad doctors though.
• The U.S. BLS and Census Bureau shows the per capita income Americans grew 76.6% from 1947 to 1997, however your television news paints a grim picture of the stock market, unemployment, your retirement future in shambles.
  
• Home ownership has increased from from 46.5% in 1900 almost 20 points to 66.2% in 2000, but your television is portraying the doom and gloom of the housing market bubble bursting.
  
• The media machine tells terrible losses in the Middle East but would it surprise you to learn that there was a greater loss of life in 20th century wars you may not have even heard of, such as the Russian Civil War (over 90 times as many), the Second Congo War (over 130.8 times as many) and the Second Sino-Japanese War (over 200 times as many) as examples.
  
• The media convinces you that our schools are failing, that students can no longer learn in them. Yet it’s interesting that the percentage of children entering into college is the highest level it has ever been in U.S. history with 28% completing 4 or more years of college in 2006 compared to a miniscule 4.6% in 1940. An amazing improvement, one which your television doesn't tell you about.
  
• The media tells you that nobody can afford health insurance, that people just can’t get coverage. Interesting that the Census Bureau’s 2006 report shows that 84.2% of Americans have health insurance. Compared to a hundred years ago, well, we can’t compare to that since health insurance didn’t even exist a hundred years ago. But it’s all doom and gloom.

The entire country is by far better than it has ever been, yet the media machine keeps pulling you further into it’s clutches by selling you a picture of despair and misery, pain and suffering, violence and death. And we fall for it. More Americans are in psychotherapy now than ever, with an increase of people being treated for depression rising 223.5% between 1987 and 1997. We drug our children with kiddy-Prozac since it seems all children now have ADHD, or so our television tells us, so we drug them like obedient automatons. When will we turn off that spew of drivel and start seeing our country for what it really is, a successful, wealthy, wonderful and free place to live.

Jonathan RF Cooke
September 6th, 2007

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